Why Relationship Conflicts Keep Repeating
Understanding what’s really happening beneath the arguments
Many couples come to therapy feeling confused and exhausted. You may love each other, share values, and want things to work, yet keep finding yourselves stuck in the same conflicts or emotional distance.
Often, the problem isn’t communication skills or effort. It’s that automatic emotional patterns are being activated under stress, and once they take over, it’s hard to slow things down.
This page explores some of the most common questions couples ask before starting couples therapy, especially when good intentions haven’t been enough to create change.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do we keep having the same fight over and over?
When the same argument repeats, it’s rarely about the surface topic. It’s usually about an underlying emotional need that isn’t being met in the moment, such as feeling heard, valued, or emotionally safe.
Once that need is activated, partners tend to fall into familiar roles and reactions without realising it. Couples therapy focuses on identifying these cycles and understanding what each person is trying to protect or reach for underneath the fight. Change happens when the pattern is understood, not when the argument is won.
Why does one of us shut down while the other gets more anxious?
This dynamic is extremely common and often deeply misunderstood. One partner may seek closeness, reassurance, or resolution when distressed, while the other withdraws to manage overwhelm or avoid escalation.
Neither response is wrong. Both are attempts to cope with emotional stress. In attachment-based couples therapy, this pattern is seen as a relational loop rather than a character flaw, which allows couples to respond with more understanding and flexibility over time.
Why do our arguments escalate so quickly?
Escalation often happens when nervous systems become overwhelmed. Once this threshold is crossed, logic, empathy, and communication skills tend to drop away.
Couples therapy helps slow interactions down and build awareness of what’s happening internally for each partner before escalation takes over. Our therapeutic approach focuses on emotional regulation and safety rather than debating facts or assigning blame.
Why do I feel emotionally disconnected from my partner?
Emotional disconnection often develops gradually. Life pressures, unresolved conflict, or repeated misunderstandings can lead partners to prioritise functioning over emotional closeness.
Over time, this can create loneliness within the relationship. Couples counselling creates space to explore how connection became difficult or risky, and how emotional closeness can be rebuilt in a way that feels safe for both people.
Can anxious and avoidant partners have a healthy relationship?
Yes. Many couples include partners with different ways of responding to closeness, stress, or conflict. These differences do not mean a relationship is incompatible or doomed, but it is important that you spend time working on them.
What matters is understanding how each person’s responses interact and learning new ways of meeting emotional needs. Couples therapy supports this by helping partners recognise patterns and develop more flexible, supportive responses to each other.
How couples therapy works
Couples therapy focuses on understanding interaction patterns rather than blaming individuals. Sessions explore how emotions, reactions, and histories shape the way partners respond to each other under stress.
At LOOP, couples therapy is collaborative and paced carefully. The work aims to increase emotional safety, improve regulation, and support meaningful change over time, rather than offering quick communication fixes.
You can read more about how this work is grounded in a developmental lens on our attachment-based therapy page.
Who couples therapy can help
Couples therapy can be helpful if you:
Keep having the same unresolved arguments
Feel emotionally disconnected or distant
Struggle with trust, closeness, or conflict escalation
Feel stuck between wanting change and feeling unsure how
Want to understand what’s happening beneath surface issues
Couples don’t need to be in crisis to benefit. Many seek therapy as a way to interrupt patterns before things deteriorate further.
Taking the next step
If these questions resonate, couples therapy can help you make sense of what’s happening beneath the surface and find new ways of relating that feel more secure and connected.
You can learn more about starting couples therapy or reading our broader FAQs.